Do it Scared

I’ve been performing on stage for over 20 years now. 20 years.

I performed for audiences of 2 people and I’ve sung for crowds of THOUSANDS of people. I’ve performed by myself, in a band, on a stage, at weddings & funerals, at parties, and at bars. I’ve performed for familiar faces and people I’ve never met before. I’ve performed when I’m sick and when I feel my best. I’ve performed in so many places, doing so many things, and yet... Here I am still terrified and doing new things.

NEVER… never had I performed my own music in public.

That was, until now.

Of course, I’ve shared my developmental children’s music with others and have sold it online. But the really vulnerable, deep songs that I’ve written for me, have stayed almost explicitly and entirely with just me.

My phone has been the only one I’ve been performing most of my original songs for for the last several years. I have the start to nearly 200 original songs in my phone and random lyrics written throughout my notes app. When inspiration strikes, I simply have to follow it! I write things down or record them as quickly as I can so that I can hold onto them.

And if you’re a creative, I’m sure you know that inspiration often hits at the worst time. Thus, I almost always have my phone or a notebook with me.

Now, you would think, that in ALL my years of performing, teaching, mentoring, etc., that I would have shared at least one of my own, very vulnerable songs. I mean, Katey, come on! If you’ve worked on all of these dozens of songs and performed so much… then why haven’t you shared YOUR music.

The truth?

Because I’m scared. I’m terrified.

Absolutely, hands shaking, nervous sweating, very of panic attack, terrified.

When it comes to doing new things, I’m usually a pretty nervous person. I have always dealt with performance anxiety. But when it comes to doing something new and vulnerable, where I’m sharing my own creations, and I’m doing it alone… I want to vomit and run for the door.

I get the full blown heart racing, palpitations, sweaty palms, anxious energy build up that makes me want to simply disappear.

When a friend of mine texted me to ask if I wanted to stop by an open mic with them, I said yes and JOKINGLY said “maybe, I’ll play one of my original songs”.

But this was a newer friend who doesn’t know my history with anxiety and my experience with rejection sensitivity dysmorphia. They didn’t know I was joking… so they excitedly rooted me on, saying they wanted to hear all of my personal songs… I said I’d give it consideration.

As I mulled the idea over, I knew it would be a good, healthy outlet. I knew it would be the next big step for me to take musically and something I likely wouldn’t regret. I knew that even though I was scared, it would be wouldn’t regret. It would be a new experience.

I walked myself through a few steps to help build myself up to the event.

1. Bring other people into the conversation. Create accountability

The more people that know about something, the more of them can cheer you on. I first told my best friends it was something I was considering. Their eyes lit up with excitement, wanting to come listen and support. I then told my therapist that it was something I was something I was considering. They responded by basically assigning it as homework. I called my sister. She was over the moon. Since she couldn’t attend, I sent her a draft recording of one of the songs I would perform. She gave me the most perfect combination of encouragement and constructive feedback. I told 5 people I might perform. Those 5 people each told another person; thus, making a total of at least 10 people I would have to tell I backed out if I chose not to perform. I created accountability and a support system of individuals who would be cheering me on both in person and from a distance.

2. Make a plan.

I knew at least 1 songs that I would want to perform. One that I had just written days before the event. But I wanted a backup. In the event that my newest song was too raw or for some reason I didn’t want to perform it, I didn’t want to have a reason to back out all together. So I selected and practiced a second song of mine. I wrote out the lyrics to both. Review them. Revised them. And put everything in my bag. I made a plan for when my friends and I would arrive. And that was that.

3. Go about your day as normally as possible.

Performing alone for the first time was a big freaking deal. A BIG deal. I knew there was intrinsic anxiety built into the experience, so I did my absolute best to go about the rest of my day as normally as possible. Eat breakfast, go to the gym, take my meds, go to work, etc, etc. Doing the normal things in my day, gives me a sense of stability. It allows me to get out of my head and focus on other things that are important in my day. I’ve also built a lot of healthy habits into my daily routine that help support my overall mental health.

4. Wear something comfortable.

While I love making a loud statement and looking fierce AF, I knew that I needed to be comfortable in my clothes. I needed to be able to move and to wear clothes that provided a positive sensory experience. I needed to feel at peace, without putting a whole lot of energy into my attire and makeup. If I’m going to be scared, I’m going to at least be comfortable and scared.

5. Use all of the positive coping mechanisms.

I would have been so easy to engage in negative coping mechanisms prior to performing. Drinking, isolating, or binge eating would have been easy ways to help reduce my anxiety. However, I chose a different path. I tried meditating, taking calming breaths, using mantras, cooling down my body, etc. to calm my nervous system. I repeated the words, “I AM doing this” over and over until I believed it. I gave myself a pep talk. I worked through the “why are you feeling this way?” questions. I worked through a bit of cognitive restructuring. I asked a friend to simply sit with me. I practiced all of the things I’ve been learning.

6. Do the thing.

The final step is simply to do the thing. Complete the scary task. Do the thing that terrifies you. Get it over with. Like ripping a bandaid off or jumping in the deep end. Like going to your first day of school, taking an exam, taking your first steps, etc., you just have to do it.

There is a first time for everything. And that first time can be so very scary. But experience tells us, that the overwhelming majority of our “firsts” end up just fine. Our experience tells us that MOST of those “first” experiences actually lead to a whole lot excitement, joy, growth, and even more wonderful experiences.

So, while I was terrified to perform my original songs, I’m sure you can guess the outcome.

Overwhelmingly positive feedback and praise.
A sense of accomplishment a joy
The excitement to write and share more original works.
A feeling of love and pride.
And a sense of relief.

I ripped the bandaid off. I did the thing. I did it scared, but I did it. And I am so thrilled to do it again!!

What is something that scares you that you are wanting to do? What is holding you back?

Let me be your biggest supporter in taking that first step!

<3 Katey